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Broke Wife, Big City
37 things I’ve
learned in 37 years
By Aprill Brandon
1. Decluttering your life only works if you refuse to allow your family
back into the house.
2. You should do one thing every day that scares you, like skydiving or
answering your phone when it rings even though this will likely result
in having to talk to another human being.
3. When you’re a mom, children turn into gremlins the minute they find
out it is your birthday.
4. After a certain age, every musical guest on Saturday Night Live
makes you squint and say “who the hell is that?”
5. Always do the voices when reading books to your kids.
6. If an entire drawer in your fridge isn’t devoted solely to cheese,
are you even really living?
7. Nazis are bad. Always. No exceptions.
8. Saving the planet is good. Always. No exceptions.
9. If you cook Thanksgiving dinner, apologize for nothing. I don’t care
if the turkey tastes like hot garbage and the mashed potatoes are on
fire. You just spent 16 hours in the kitchen. Apologize. For. Nothing.
10. Everyone talks about how important it is to drink water but it is
equally important to know that if you do start drinking water, you’ll
have to keep doing it forever because now you notice how dehydrated and
awful and death-ish you feel when you don’t drink water. You’ve been
warned.
11. If you take your dog on a walk, he will poop exactly one more time
than the amount of plastic baggies you brought with you.
12. Don’t say maybe when you want to say no.
13. After a certain age, you wake up in pain for no discernible reason.
Maybe it’s from your three mile run. Maybe it’s from when your toddler
was practicing WWE moves on you while you tried to make dinner. Maybe
it’s because you sneezed too hard. Who knows?
14. Pillow fights are fun for exactly 24 seconds before it all devolves
into attempted mass murder via fluff.
15. Parenting gets easier the day you realize that the food will never
be eaten, the laundry will never be done and the term “clean” is now
highly malleable.
16. Don’t just be nice. Strive to be kind.
17. Camping is always a great idea. At first. Then nature happens. A
lot of it.
18. Never feed small children spaghetti unless it’s their bath night.
19. Never feed old dogs leftover spaghetti unless it’s their bath
night.
20. No matter how many times you threaten them, someone is going to
eventually poop in the tub on bath night.
21. Wine.
22. After a certain age, people start looking too young to be your
doctor.
23. Remember to have fun.
24. You can never own too many books. You can definitely own too many
cheese slicers. (Seven. SEVEN.)
25. Make friends with people who understand you when you say things
like “I’m having a really good boob day.”
26. Screw it. Just order pizza for dinner.
27. Let your loved one know you care. Pinch their butt more.
28. Resist the urge to buy your children finger paints. They’ll play
with them for five minutes and it will take you roughly the rest of
your life to clean up the mess.
29. After a certain age, no matter how positive you are that you’re
right, you are definitely not using that Internet slang term correctly.
Trust me. I’m Netflix and chill AF.
30. Don’t let your kids “win” at board games. That’s how those
insufferable people who say “well, actually” are created. Crush them at
Candyland. Crush them hard. Society will thank you.
31. Making the bed in the morning seems so pointless. Until you go to
bed.
32. Kids are resilient. So are you.
33. Your partner cannot read your mind. When they make you angry, tell
them how you feel right into their big, dumb, stupid face.
34. For those of you wondering, a nice Kentucky whiskey pairs best with
dinnertime temper tantrums.
35. After a certain age, you’ll start yelling at people to stop wasting
paper towels. Do not panic. This is a natural part of the aging
process.
36. Slow down. The only thing waiting for you at the end of all this is
death.
37. I’m 37 now and I can officially declare that there are no
grown-ups. We’re all faking it.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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