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Broke Wife, Big City
Apparently the
tooth fairy got a tax break too
By Aprill Brandon
Considering my oldest child is only four, I admit I’m still fairly new
to the parenting game. However, I’m not so new that I don’t already
have strong opinions on how the rest of you are doing this wrong. (Oh,
shut up, you know we all do. The second that baby came out of my body I
was already critical of how the doctor was holding him.)
Now, let me clarify, I don’t care how you raise your children. I don’t
care what you feed them. I don’t care what they watch or their “screen
time” limits or if they do chores or how you discipline them. I don’t
care what you name them or if they’re on a leash or free range or home
schooled or fancy private schooled or even if they are buttheads
(because, hey, my kids also have butthead tendencies).
I don’t care about any of that. You are the expert when it comes to
your own kids.
But there are certain things that affect all of us parents. Certain
things that we are all in together. And some of youse guys are
completely ruining it for the rest of us.
Take the tooth fairy, for example. When I was a kid, the going rate was
a quarter per tooth. So, you can imagine my surprise when I was
scrolling through Facebook and discovered that some kid got an electric
train set from the tooth fairy.
AN ELECTRIC TRAIN SET. For sitting there and letting a body part fall
out of his head. And not even a useful body part you can study for
science or something. Just a gross useless one covered with the ghost
dust of a thousand dead Goldfish crackers.
Even worse, I found out the current monetary rate for a baby tooth is
now apparently $20.
Twenty American dollars.
Do you know how many teeth there are in those little heads? Well, me
neither, but it’s a lot. Who are you people? Don’t you have bills?
Student loans? Is Grandma footing this expenditure?
I mean, I could understand if this was like a limb fairy or something.
I can see giving them $20 for an arm that falls off. They only have two
of those.
“Oh, but it’s my choice what I give my kid from the tooth fairy,” I
hear you other parents haughtily declare as you spread diamond jelly on
your artisan bread in front of your shrine to Gwyneth Paltrow in your
newly renovated kitchen.
But it’s NOT your choice. Not this. Because do you know what happens
when your adorable Sharpay gets an electric train set from the tooth
fairy? She tells all the other kids and then they come home to us
demanding to know why they only got a dollar. And let me tell you,
answering “because the tooth fairy hates you” is NOT the correct
response no matter how annoyed you are by their whining. In fact, there
is no good response to that.
It’s the same thing with Christmas. You want to get little Luxx an
iPhone for Christmas? Great. Fantastic. I don’t care. But don’t say
it’s from Santa. Because not all “Santas” can afford iPhones and/or
think a 6-year-old should have one. Take credit where credit is due and
make the jolly fat man give them a ball or some stupid crap.
And then there’s Easter. Can someone please tell me at what point
Easter became “Christmas: The Sequel”? For the past five years, I made
a drinking game out of scrolling on social media and taking a shot
every time someone posted a photo of the loot their kids scored
alongside their baskets. We’re talking tricked-out bikes. Barbie Jeeps.
Tickets for Disney World. And, again, iPhones because Apple must give
massive discounts to mythological creatures.
Needless to say, I’m usually drunk within 12 minutes.
Just give them a basket of sugar and some gross eggs and call it a day,
other parents. Come on.
And yes, I understand that we all have to somewhat keep up with
inflation. I don’t even think they make buffalo nickles anymore or
where you would find a ha’penny. But they’re kids. They have very
little concept of modern economics. We can underpay them. They have no
idea. And they are very unlikely to form a union considering most of
them haven’t even mastered the spoon yet.
So let’s keep it simple. Kids shouldn’t be able to afford a semi-fancy
bottle of wine because they lost a tooth. They should be able to buy
gum. And not the good gum either. That crap that taste like
fruit-flavored chalk.
Because childhood is already inherently magical. And because children
actually like that disgusting cheap gum. And because it’s hard enough
to parent without raising kids who expect high end luxury goods for
simply being kids.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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