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Broke Wife, Big City
Ways to
unsuccessfully deal with insomnia
By Aprill Brandon
1. Watch something. But not something too interesting. But also not so
boring that it allows your mind to wander. Maybe something you’ve
already seen but enjoyed. Preferably where at least one character has a
British accent and is trying to solve a crime.
2. Read something. Same rules apply.
3. Eat something. Because, hey, it’s there and what else have you got
to do?
4. Count something. Sheep seem to be pretty popular, followed by
minutes (“if I fall asleep now, I can still get three hours of sleep
before the alarm goes off”).
5. Argue something. In your head. Obsessively. Finally find a way to
win that Facebook argument from 2015.
6. Take something. Tylenol PM, perhaps? Or that melatonin that has
never ever worked but yet you still keep a giant bottle of it by your
bed? Does children’s benadryl work on adults?
7. Rearrange something. Because you’ll definitely be able to sleep once
all your bookshelves are ripped apart and then put back together in a
slightly different organizational pattern.
8. Worry about something. Like every single bad thing that could happen
to your children.
9. Eat something again. It’s now 3:30 a.m. Screw it.
10. While you’re at it, watch something else. Maybe a 90’s sitcom will
do it.
11. Pray for something. Perhaps divine intervention from the deity of
your choosing. Or an anvil to fall from the sky and onto your head,
finally knocking you out. Or modern science to prove that sleep is
unnecessary for survival.
12. Scroll something. Sure, they say to avoid technology when you can’t
sleep but you aren’t going to sleep anyway so may as well stalk that
girl from seventh grade who used to bully you.
13. Wake something? Like your husband. Who is peacefully sleeping right
beside you in the most obnoxious manner possible. Misery does love
company…
14. How is he still sleeping? If you poke him any harder he’ll likely
have internal bleeding.
15. Sigh.
16. Clean something.
17. Eh, never mind.
18. Daydream something. Maybe cue up that one about marrying Chris
Pratt (after your husband dies and you mourn the appropriate amount of
time, of course).
19. Plan something. May as well use all this time productively. Just a
quick 36-point plan to improve every aspect of your life.
20. Is there any cheese left?
21. Research something. Like how insomnia causes premature aging. Then
get up and slather more moisturizer on your decrepit face.
22. Drink something? Warm milk? Ugh. Gross. No. Then maybe just a small
glass of whiskey? Nah. It’s practically morning.
23. Write something. Like, say, a list of all the futile ways you can
try to combat insomnia.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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