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Mind, Body, Soul
My Story or
Your Story?!
By Mona Lease
Greetings, Gals!! I've been sitting on this column for a while. I find
it so very interesting. Since this column is devoted to women and how
we can better ourselves...mind, body, and soul...consider the following.
People Who Say These 5 Words Have Very Low Emotional Intelligence
They mean the exact opposite of what you think. But only emotionally
intelligent people understand why.
The words hit me like a hurricane: "I know how you feel." They're
simple words and real - and yet, as Justin Bartso writes, they're also
absolutely the wrong thing to say to those who confide in you with
their problems or fears.
These situations are tough sometimes. You've been trusted. You want to
develop rapport. You want to act the way somebody with real emotional
intelligence would act. You want to help.
Yet, rather than creating a connection, "I know how you feel" and other
phrases like it build a wall between you and the other person.
The phrase suggests that you don't truly understand how the other
person feels at all. (Really, how could you?) It suggests that you feel
the need to turn the conversation toward your experience not his or
hers and, that ultimately you don't really care about that person's
concerns after all.
In other words, this five-word phrase sends a message that's 100
percent the opposite of what you intended. So don't say, "I know
how you feel." Here's what to do instead.
Shift vs Support
The solution is to gauge your responses in real time, and ask yourself
whether you're offering a "shift response" or a "support
response." What's the difference?
A shift response involves an attempt to guide the conversation toward
your life experiences and away from the experiences of the person
you're ostensibly listening to and perhaps even trying to help.
A support response sets aside your ego, and instead keeps the focus on
the other person's feelings and experience.
Conversational Narcissism
Example: "My boss doesn't respect me."
Shift response: "I went through the exact same thing last year. I wound
up leaving and finding a better job."
Support response: "I'm sorry to hear that. What makes you feel that
way?"
Example: "If I could just get organized, I'd have the world on a
string."
Shift response: "I know. I have the same problem."
Support response: "What do you think stops you from being
organized?"
Example: "I'm so sad since my breakup."
Shift response: "You just need to get back out there and start dating
again."
Support response: "What do you think stops you from being able to move
forward?"
Derber calls this phenomenon in which well meaning people shift the
discussion to their own experiences, "conversational narcissism."
"I can imagine..." The successful strategy to communicate effectively
and leverage emotional intelligence requires avoiding phrases like:
"I know how you feel."
"I've been through this before."
'I completely understand; or I get it."
And replace them with:
"I'm sorry that happened."
"I can imagine how you may feel."
"Thanks for sharing this. Tell me more."
Just remember that the whole point here is to acknowledge how hard it
is to really put yourself in someone else's shoes, and instead make it
clear that you have empathy.
You're trying to understand - even as you acknowledge that full success
might not be possible.
The true connection that you're looking for comes with the
well-communicated attempt. - Excerpts, Bill Murphy, Jr. - INC
I've been trying this. The results are pretty interesting. It takes
patience and practice - like applying lipstick. I've watched a few of
you ladies apply lipstick in the rear view mirror of your car at a red
light. I've watched the light turn green and you're finished -
you're on your way.
Most red lights are 40...maybe 45 seconds long. You'll get the hang of
this:))
"Sometimes all you need is for someone to just be there, even if they
can't solve your problems. Just knowing there is someone who cares can
make all the difference." sun.gazing.com
The best is yet to be!! MONA
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