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Of Grief and
Awareness
By Mona Lease
Hi, all!! Since this is a column of help and hope - I find the
following most profound. Pay particular attention to the 6th paragraph,
"My understanding of life...."
For Grieving Mothers by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
I am a Mother. I am a bereaved Mother. My child died, and this is my
reluctant path. It is not a path of my choice, but a path I must walk
mindfully, and with intention. It is a journey through the darkest
night of my soul and it will take time to wind through the places that
scare me.
Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. On
days when grief is loud, I may be impatient, distracted, frustrated,
and unfocused. I may get angry easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will
shed many, many, many tears. I won't smile as often as my old self.
Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing.
Say nothing. Do not offer a cure. Or a pill, or a word, or a potion.
Witness my suffering and don't turn away from me. Please be gentle with
me. And, I will try to be gentle with me, too.
I will never "get over" my child's death, so please don't urge me down
that path. Even on days when grief is quiescent, when it isn't standing
loudly in the foreground, even on days when I'm able to smile again,
the pain is just below the surface. There are days when I still feel
paralyzed. My chest feels the sinking weight of my child's absence, and
sometimes, I feel as if I will explode from the grief.
Losing my child affects me in so many ways: as a woman, a Mother, a
human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically,
mentally, and emotionally. There are days when I barely recognize
myself in the mirror anymore.
Grief is as personal to me as my fingerprint. Don't tell me how I
should or shouldn't be grieving or that I should or shouldn't "feel
better by now." Don't tell me what's right or wrong. I'm doing it my
way, in my time. If I am to survive this, I must do what is best for me.
My understanding of life will change and a different meaning of life
will slowly evolve. What I knew to be true or absolute or real or fair
about the world has been challenged so I'm finding my way,
moment-by-moment, in this new place. Things that once seemed important
to me are barely thoughts any longer. I notice life's suffering more -
hungry children, the homeless and the destitute, a Mother's harsh voice
toward her young children or an elderly person struggling with the
door. There are so many things about the world which I now struggle to
understand. Why do children die? There are some questions, I've
learned, which are simply unanswerable.
So please don't tell me that "God has a plan" for me. This, my friend,
is between me and my God. Those platitudes slip far too easily from the
mouths of those who tuck their own child into a safe, warm bed at
night. Can you begin to imagine your own child, flesh of your flesh,
lying lifeless in a casket, when "goodbye" means you'll never see them
on this Earth again? Grieving Mothers - and Fathers - and Grandparents
- and siblings won't wake up one day with everything "okay" and a life
back to normal. I have a new normal now.
As time passes, I may gain gifts, and treasures, and insights; but
anything gained was too high a cost when compared to what was lost.
Perhaps, one day, when I am very very old, I will say that time has
truly helped to heal my broken heart. But always remember that not a
second of any minute of any hour of any day passes that I am not aware
of the presence of my child's absence, no matter how many years lurk
over my shoulder, don't forget that you have another one, another
child, whose absence, like the sky, is spread over everything as C.S.
Lewis said.
My child may have died, but my love - and my Motherhood - never
will.
They may not be avoiding you. They just might be:
1)Distracted by a sudden life change.
2)Working hard to make ends meet or to make sense of their
situation.
3)Too worn out to socialize.
4)Dealing with personal pain or illness.
5)Tired of having to pretend to be okay around you when they're
really doing all they can to survive.
Don't make snap judgements. You just never know. - Awareness Act
I dedicate this column to a few "grieving gals" in our county. I wish I
could do more.
Remember the kiddies and our service people. Take good care of the
furry and tethered ones out ther4e. Be safe and healthy. See ya next
time. Ever Toodles!!! MONA
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