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Bridge of Sighs
By Mona Lease
Hi, all!!! WARNING: Graphic content. Not for the faint-of-heart nor for those who would say - "I would never say or do that."
I listened to people who have lost a loved one say they are tired of
hearing "this or that." I've heard people say they don't know what to
say to the grieving person. With this in mind - are ya'll ready??
I've spoken to those who have lost a loved one recently or are still
grieving. They all know I spoke with them to write this column. In no
particular order are the following comments from the grievers.
"If I hear one more person tell me they know how I feel - I'm going to scream."
"For those of you who want to put a time limit on grieving - you have not lost a piece of your heart."
"Don't ask me if they suffered long and hard."
"I don't know why or how this happened. It just happened."
"Don't ask me if my deceased was messed up badly by the accident."
"Don't tell me you'll be there for me whenever and then not follow through with it."
"Don't say: "It was just an Uncle (cousin, etc). Be glad it was not your Mother (Dad, child, etc).
"Don't tell me: "Think how good it will be when you see the deceased again in Heaven. That's assuming I get there."
"My deceased was my first child. I watched that birth. My last kiss with them was on their cold forehead."
"Don't expect me to be "over this" in however many days you think it should take."
"I'm still grieving and it's been two years."
"We want to talk about our deceased. It keeps them alive. The worst thing for us is to not keep their memory alive."
"If you initiate a conversation and we cry - it's not your fault. We were going to cry - it's part of the process."
"You don't have to "say" anything. A hug - a handshake - a clasp on the
shoulder - a look..is all you need to do. We'll know what you mean. It
speaks louder than words."
"We grievers need to remember that when people talk to us and muff it up - they care. That's why they tried to help."
From those who want to help: "We don't know what to say. We want you to
know we care. We feel your pain and sorrow. We want to make it go away
for you. We hate to see you hurt so much and we can only stand by
helpless and powerless. Words on a card seem so cold and informal next
to our helplessness."
From me: "I think it's like a big staircase - with maybe 100
steps...out life. We're climbing and doing ok. Then - WHAM...something
happens. We tumble backwards - bam, bang, boom, slam - splat. And
you're on your butt at the bottom of the stairs. You hurt everywhere.
You're dazed and confused. Your breath is in little gasps - a deep
breath hurts your soul. It's at this point that people get the "healing
process time" misjudged. "
"Some are hurt but have the ability to assess their wounds, rise, and
test their body's mental and physical strength. Some of these start
back up the stairs through all of their pain."
"Some assess their wounds. They bandage their minor wounds -
some...broken hearts and bruised souls are gonna take longer. They put
on a "game face" and say they're doing fine."
"Some lie at the bottom of the stairs, breathe shallowly and withdraw
into themselves. The hurt just goes too deeply to speak of any of it.
They need to figure out how they feel and what they are going to do
before they share their feelings."
On both sides of a death - any death - are a lot of sighs. Do you wait
thinking the griever will reach out to you? Do you periodically "check
in" with them to see if all is well or if they need anything?
The truth is: There are no cut-and-dried answers to this. Maybe the
best thing to say is..."I'm sorry for your loss." Or "I extend my
condolences to you."
I hope this "bridge" helps. And: "I'm sorry for your loss grievers. Big hug." Belated Merry Christmas!!
Remember the kiddies and our service people. Take good care of the
furry and feathered ones out there. Be safe and healthy. See ya next
time. Ever Toodles!! MONA
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